If any of you pay attention to my blog, you will notice I have been posting a lot of writing and not the usual inspirational pictures. Normally, I try to keep my blog healthy and positive because I know many younger girls are on tumblr. Having a younger sister myself, I try to set a good example. I am not mentally well. I am very sick and in dire need of psychological help. I nearly killed myself this weekend because of my disorder. It was unintentional. I do not want to commit suicide but I have let my mental state overpower my concern for my own safety/health. I am not pro-ana/mia/ed. I let my frustration with myself get out of control and I made a very melodramatic post which someone, rather harshly, pointed out was stupid. I hate the way I’ve let my blog become. I’m trying to seek health. I apologize.

I’m never touching a laxative again. I thought I was going to die.

I ate about 100 calories worth of potatoes, a few spoon fulls of low-fat vanilla pudding, and a TON of wheat crackers with organic pb&j.

I was so scared my mini-binge would make me gain. Plus I got less than 3 hours of sleep (I always seem to weigh less when I’m well rested).

I weighed the same. So I’m kind of pleased.

I’m going to try to have mostly liquid meals and some solid snacks. I don’t know. Nothing too extreme. There’s another theatre major who suffered with  ED’s too and she gave me great advice and inspired me. So I’m going to try to workout a little bit everyday/every other day. I need to make time for me! Even if that means no more silent movies on netflix.

I haven’t been on tumblr in a long time and a lot of stuff has gone down since.

At the end of last semester I was finally starting to get into shape. I weighed 135-138 pounds because I worked out everyday really hard. I also ate only oatmeal, protein bars, and salads. I had lots of free time because I only took on 13 credits.

I went home for winter break and in the span of a month I managed to gain 10lbs. My face broke out terribly because I guess campus food is organic and my home food isn’t. It was awful.

Also while I was home I got prescribed Adderall for my concentration issues. It works wonderfully. It supresses my apetite so I don’t stress eat. And trust me, with 18 credits this semester, I am stressed to the max. It also helps with my depression that I’ve been dealing with my entire life. It makes me feel less socially, awkward, fat, and sloth. Instead it helps me focus on things other than my weight and it makes me feel alert and confident. The only problem is I need a higher dosage and my mom wont refill my prescription. I use it more than I should on weekdays and don’t use any on the weekends which makes me go into hibernation mode and doesn’t let me finish my home work.

Anyway, this semester I am taking on 18 credits which is technically course overload. I had to get my advisor to sign a form saying that I am allowed to take these many credits. I am also a theatre major so I have to put in hours for productions. I work 3 hours on monday and wednesday in costume shop. I’m also in singing lessons. I have no time for the gym. I don’t know what to do. I need to lose weight but I don’t have time to exercise. I don’t even have time to sleep. I have to read a play every day in my modern american drama class plus copious ammounts of homework in other classes.

I need to lose weight because in a month I am going to California. I have this notion that all the residents of LA look like Katy Perry and Barbie and I am going to go there thinking I’m fat and gross. I don’t have time for exercise so I’ve been on a liquid diet to help me drop weight. I’m drinking protein/meal shakes which still have calories, protein, fats, and vitamins. I know it’s probably all water weight and that it’s not the same as eating. I know that as soon as I eat I’m going to gain it all back.

I don’t know what to do. I’m so desperate to lose but I don’t want to revert to my unhealthy weight loss habits.

On the weekends only the dining hall is open and it’s an all you can eat buffet with everything. Sure they have a salad station but it’s in the middle of pizza, fries, ice cream, cookies, cake, bread, cheese, and everything else that I can’t eat. It’s so tempting and you can eat everything.
I’m trying to stay on a liquid diet but I feel like I’m dying. I feel so depressed because my adderall is running low and it’s the only thing that makes me happy. I need coffee but java city is closed.
I’m losing my mind. But I’ll be fine when I take my pills tomorrow for school.